i've been having some random ( but not to be ignored) thoughts lately. i, together with one of my friends, aubrey, will be leaving the company 2 weeks from now. others already left without our knowledge, btw.
this is another great decision that i had to make. aubrey will leave the company for dubai. it ain't that hard for her to decide, right? where she goes is better than what she has now. but me, im leaving the company to look for another job. look, that is, i dont know where to go yet. seems like i'll be back again to where i was before i decided to give the job a try. this brought me a looooot of tears (without everybody knowing). i keep on reassessing myself but still i can't find any other reasons to stay other than BIG salary i get every month.
it always hurts me to hear other people telling me "bat ka aalis? wala ka namang pupuntahan. akala ko sanay ka sa graveyard? parang di ka naman taga-UP nyan! akala ko sanay ka sa pressure kasi taga UP ka!" and i just don't say anything to them. they may be right.
that's me. i always listen to what others think and say.my decisions always have always been affected by how others see it. But i realized that what made me decide to work in that company is not mainly because of others' opinions. coz it is, i would have announced to everyone that i got that job. but, it's the opposite. i don't have the courage to tell everyone what i got. im ashamed that they will again criticize my decision. i decided to have that job coz it is easier than the one i have in mind. yes, it's true. the one i want is way way way difficult than the one i have. and i am scared that it would take time for me to reach what i want so i settled for the easier one. and this is all i get now. the urge to resign...
my resignation would'nt mean that i can't handle the job because i know that i definitely can. it would'nt mean that i can't take that much pressure because as far as i know, i can handle pressure better than those i know. (and i know myself better than anyone else). it would'nt mean that i'll be wasting my time regretting for the decision i made. i want to do a lot of things. i want to make my own decisions to be where i want to be. i want to do things for myself and not for other people. i may not know where im going now but i'll figure it out.
so im sorry if you believe i dont listen to what you all have to say. like i said, im more stubborn than you know i am. i would go for what i want but sometimes im scared and most of the time i think of what others say and think about me. this is my life after all.
and i've found a solution to all my problems. whenever im scared and hopeless, i'd kneel down and pray. and i'll start doing it today... ^___^